dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
