just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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