Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
