If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
