Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
