sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
