I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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