Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
