i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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