i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
