In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
