and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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