My liver just broke up with me...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
