Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
