How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
