Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
