just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize