ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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