Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
