if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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