This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
