My sheets look like a crime scene.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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