Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
