how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
