my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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