I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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