In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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