i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
