Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
