the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
