He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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