i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
