i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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