why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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