you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
