Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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