Your face is a jimmy john
Don't make out with my wife yet
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
