Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
