I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
