worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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