I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
