omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
