Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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