I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
