im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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