wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
