did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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