Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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