I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
