I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Two words: blizzard sex
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
