My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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